I Love(d) This Country

I came to the US 45 years ago. I am a US citizen. I truly believed it was the land of opportunities, intellectual excellence, and freedom of speech. The last 9 months has been about suppressing opposing views and any opinion that threatens a narcissist’s ego. This is not what I had envisioned. I have had a good life. I loved the opportunities. Now it feels like a dictatorship (worse than Communism), where the Constitution can be ignored at the whims that of a narcissist. It makes me very sad. I don’t feel optimistic.

Old Couples

Sometimes I see old couples when they’re walking down the street and they’re holding hands. I think that’s so cute. But then, I think one has to go first, and that makes me sad.

My mother died before my dad. I don’t think she would have lasted long if my dad had gone first. She had NEVER lived a single day in her life by herself, whereas my dad had been fairly independent since he was a teenager (he went to boarding school). It sounds morbid, but I’m glad she died before he did.

Now I’m on my own. I’ve been since college (I couldn’t wait to get away, but that’s another story), but there’s really no one else. I’ve had to rely on myself all these years. Sometimes I wish there’s someone else I can share my life with, but I think my personality isn’t made for it.

Do People Actually Read My Blog?

I’ve had this blog for 9 years. I don’t think I have any followers LOL. It was really meant to be my personal journal. 

I  had started posting my recipes, which I was sharing the links to on social media, but then there were so many recipes, I decided to move them to a new blog, of which I’m quite proud.

Now, it’s just basically my thoughts and rants. Maybe they’re not that interesting.

I’m More Like My Mother Than I’d Like To Admit

My mother was a neat hoarder. She was very fastidious about tidying, but she was a hoarder. She just kept everything neat and tidy (and hidden, most of the time). After she passed, we found she had kept her homework from high school!

I was doing some “Spring” cleaning and found myself throwing out a lot of things I had accumulated/collected over the years that I was never going to use but I’d kept “just in case.” I guess that was something she drummed into me. “You never know when you’ll need it!”

Well, I was never going to use any of it, so they went in the trash. It felt good!

There’s plenty more! But it’s a start … 😩

Jaw Clenching

I notice I’ve been clenching my jaws a lot more lately. I’ve always had issues with grinding my teeth while I’m sleeping, but it is becoming more noticeable, especially during the day. I’m sure it has to do with stress.

I’ve also felt like my jaws are too big for my mouth. I have to open my mouth wide once in a while to relieve my jaws during the day. I have a hard time with brushing my back teeth because I gag easily. I actually feel the back of my jaws pushing against my inner cheeks, and it’s annoying.

The Art of Procrastination

This was the title to an essay I suggested to a friend in college when she couldn’t think of a good title. She and her professor loved it!

I’m procrastinating. I have something that I really need to do, but I keep putting it off. Sigh 😢

I really must get to it. I don’t think I have the luxury of more extension.

I Have No Words

The government has declared war on Chicago. These are not the kind of images and words I want to see or hear about Chicago.

From the BBC:

A little-known provision of US military law governs the president's authority to deploy the National Guard on his own. Until now, presidents have rarely used it.

American law allows the president to call National Guard troops from any state into service if the US is "invaded or is in danger of invasion by a foreign nation", or "there is a rebellion or danger of a rebellion" against the US government.

Trump invoked this law to bring 2,000 National Guard troops under his control in June in order to support raids led by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE).

From Associated Press:

Under federal law, the president can take command of a state’s National Guard troops in limited circumstances: when the U.S. is being invaded or is in danger of invasion by a foreign nation; when there is a rebellion or danger of a rebellion against the United States; or when the president is “unable with the regular forces to execute the laws of the United States.” 

I Don’t Understand The Appeal of Gambling

 

I don’t even gamble when I’m in Vegas or Atlantic City or at some of the smaller casinos in the Chicago area (I generally go for the food), but I’ve been playing slot machine games on my phone. I don’t buy any additional “chips” or perks. The games give me hours of free mindless fun, and the graphics are rather cute, but I can see why people gamble to chase the wins. I just quit when I run out of “chips.” The apps award free chips on a regular basis, so I can play again.

I have several different slot machine apps, all of which let me earn points to redeem for real rewards, including free hotel stays! They also have a Solitaire game, and I can earn points as well. But they’re almost all for Vegas. What’s the point?

The program occasionally offers using reward points to donate to a good cause, which is what I do to spend it down. I have no use for them, anyway. I have no idea how much money they actually donate. Someone on the Internet estimated it’s about $0.21 for every 5000 points (it’s a set amount) donation. The program does not specify, which kinda sucks. 

I have donated 81x5000 points to American Cancer Society, Texas Flood Relief (World Central Kitchen), and California Wildfires Relief (World Central Kitchen), so if 5000 points is equivalent to $0.21, that would be a whopping $17.01. Geez 😩

I also used some of my points for a few sweepstakes, but of course I didn’t win anything (I tried). I should have just donated them. 

They do cap the number of points you can earn per day, so I can’t just keep accumulating indefinitely everyday. At least I have fun playing games, although I have been obsessed with accumulating points to make a donation, so I’m playing with a purpose.

Is The National Guard Using Helicopters In Chicago?

There are sounds of a helicopter buzzing in my neighborhood. The streets are fairly calm and quiet, just normal traffic. But the incessant noise really makes it feel like we’re in a war zone, and bombs will be dropped any minute. It is not a good feeling.

Apparently DEI is Evil

A 2020 report by McKinsey & Company found companies with greater gender and ethnic diversity were more likely to outperform their peers. The difference was significant, with gender diversity leading to a 25% probability of higher profits, while ethnic diversity led to a 36% probability.

This Makes Me Weep

The tariff war is affecting all types of businesses. The administration is considering relief for soybean farmers because China stopped ordering soybeans from the US.

• 2024: China purchased 985 million bushels of U.S. soybeans, representing about half of all U.S. soybean exports. 
• 2025 (January-August): Exports to China fell to 218 million bushels. 
• June, July, and August 2025: The U.S. shipped virtually no soybeans to China during these months. 
• No New-Crop Purchases: China has not purchased new-crop U.S. soybeans for the upcoming marketing year. 

Asked by NBC News in May about the possibility of relief for small businesses Trump said: "They're not going to need it." 

The cruelty! The lack of empathy!

Awards Are Best When They’re Not Expected

But sometimes it’s difficult to not be anticipated, since nominees have to be nominated, usually only with their consent.

I Am A News Junkie

I obsessively read the news, even though the news lately has been very depressing. I really should stop, but I can’t. It’s the OCD in me.

I Just Want To Go To Sleep …

 

… and never wake up. I know people who’d died in their sleep. Usually they had some medical conditions that put them at risk. I don’t really know how you can go to sleep and not wake up. Although, I think that’s the ideal way to leave this world. Too bad it’s not something you can arrange. If I’m found, I’d like to not be resuscitated. Unfortunately, I do not have a DNR order, but this is my wish.

Who’s That At The Door In The Middle Of The Night???

I was having a dream (I can’t remember what it was about) when I got woken up by three loud bangs that I thought were loud knocks on the door. It was about 1:45am. 

Who could that be? I live in an apartment building, so it’s not like some random stranger would come knock on the door, and most definitely not in the middle of the night.

At first I thought it was gunshots, but they were not followed by sirens.

It was a thunderstorm. I was woken up by loud thunder claps that sounded like knocks on the door, especially when you’re half asleep. Now I can’t go back to sleep, so I’m playing games on the phone to pass the time and hope I’ll fall asleep ☹️☹️☹️

To Be Young and Innocent Again, Or Not …

I live near the #1 high school in Chicago. I see the students go to school in the morning and leave school at the end of the school day. They’re just going about their normal lives, as they should. 

When I hear about school shootings, I’m filled with fear and dread. Schools are supposed to be safe spaces for kids to learn, not live in fear of another shooting. I don’t think it’ll happen here, as it accepts students who are preparing for college, not just go through the Chicago public school system. They have more important things to worry about.

The recent attacks on sacred spaces are equally disturbing. I live near several churches, and at least one Buddhist temple and one synagogue. Those are supposed to be sanctuaries, where people go for spiritual comfort. No religion should condone such violence against another religion.

1-Ply vs Two-Ply

I know this is a silly observation, but I’ve been thinking about 1-ply vs 2-ply toilet paper, because I had to get an emergency roll, and only 1-ply was available.

I think, although 1-ply touts itself to have more sheets and cost less per roll, ultimately you’re paying more because you have to use twice much as for 2-ply.

I’m Bored

I don’t want to read the news. It’s depressing. I don’t feel like playing games I usually play; they’re boring me. And I can’t find a single thing I want to watch on any streaming platform. I don’t really listen to music, either. I can read, but I generally read on my phone.

National Theatre at Home

I love the theater. I used to go to screenings of filmed plays from National Theatre at Home at the theater a lot. Then COVID hit, and that disrupted my theater going and I never really picked it up again.

I subscribed to National Theatre at Home instead, which has tons of magnificent plays to watch at home. It’s either $12.99 a month or $129.99 a year.

I have subscribed to a lot of streaming platforms, but this is the only one to see world-class plays. It’s money well spent.

Why Am I So Healthy?

I am relatively free from illness. 

I may have the occasional cold. I don’t think I’ve ever had the flu. I had an in-office surgery to remove a small cyst (a fat globule, apparently) from my elbow. My cholesterol level is high, but that’s because I have an elevated level of HDL. My persistent medical problems have been skin irritations and seasonal allergies. That’s it.

I was in close proximity to someone who tested positive for COVID after we spent several days together, including sharing a hotel room, and then we took a rental car to get home so we didn’t have to fly, and I’ve never tested positive for COVID.

I don’t exactly watch what I eat. I drink and smoke.

My mother had a history of tumors, both benign and malignant, and my father had a history of heart problems. She died of cancer and he died of a heart attack.

I don’t get it.

Not All Gloom and Doom

The news has been so depressing lately, but I keep my sanity by reading Not Always Right every day. Here I can read about stupid people and shake my head. It helps to laugh at people sometimes.

Vegetarian vs Vegan

I love vegan food, even though I’m not vegan. I was raised on Chinese vegetarian (Buddhist) cuisine, which is a whole cuisine in and of itself, not just eliminating or substituting meat.

My favorite vegan cookbook is Vegetarian Cooking, which is out of print. The dishes are creative and rival any meat dish.

I don’t really mind vegetarian food, since dairy and eggs do not require killing animals. 

I’m selectively lactose intolerant (I can’t drink milk, I don’t like yoghurt, and the smell of aged cheese makes me gag, but I love butter and ghee), and I hardly ever eat eggs, so I prefer vegan, anyway. 

I could not go into a cheese shop without gagging. I once had to hold my breath while shopping for sparkling water because it was next to the cheese. The only cheeses I can tolerate are mozzarella, burrata, and paneer.

I just don’t like restaurants that remove the meat or substitute a plant-based meat alternative from a standard dish and calling it vegan. I know it’s just me. I’d like the vegan food to be its own cuisine.

I do miss the appetizer in Buddhist restaurants that’s a combination of three flavors of wheat gluten: oyster (vegan, of course) sauce, curry sauce, and sweet and sour sauce. I haven’t seen that in Chinese vegan restaurants in a long time.

I Feel Despaired

I read the news a lot, and what’s in the news lately fills me with despair. The world is on fire, and it seems to be getting worse. There does not seem to be any effort in making the world a better place. Instead, it’s all about power and greed and hatred. 

Maybe aliens should come and take over the planet. Maybe they’ve see what we’ve made of ourselves and decided it’s not worth it. We’re doing a good job destroying ourselves, thank you very much.

Must Not Be My Lucky Day Today

I placed two mobile orders today, one at Dunkin and one at Starbucks. 

I asked for Sausage Egg Sandwich at Dunkin, no cheese. They got the no cheese, but they put bacon instead of sausage in it. Of course I didn’t notice until I sat down to eat it (somewhere else). 

Then I had ordered an iced latte at Starbucks, and they made it hot. At least that was rather obvious, so they remade it. 

The whole idea of mobile orders is that there are no excuses for messing it up as the exact order is printed on the ticket!

WTH?

I Can’t Log Into My Own Facebook Account

I reset my phone and reinstalled my apps and now I can’t get into FB. It sent notification to my FB app on my phone, but I can’t get in because that’s where I’m trying to log in. I hate it when something is so secure you lock yourself out. Although I’m trying to get out of using social media, getting locked out of my own account is so frustrating. I should have just deleted the account instead.

So, by trying to do some Spring cleaning on my devices, I accidentally locked myself out of FB. 2FA works, except when it doesn’t! Oh, well. I wonder if people wonder what happened to me 😢

Am I A Senior?

I had an interesting conversation the other day on what middle age means and who qualifies as a senior citizen.

I started getting AARP invitations to join when I was 40! And I started having gray hair when I was 15! I was even given a senior citizens discount when I definitely did not qualify for senior citizens discounts (I’ll take it!). I think it was the gray hair 🥺

I think 50 is the beginning of middle age, and anyone over 60 is a senior, but that’s just my own definition.

Being senior just sounds so morbid. I’m technically a senior, and I have no problem accepting senior discounts! I do that for movie tickets HAHAHAHA!

But, I’ve been thinking. I am 5 years older than when my mom passed way, but I’m still 9 years younger than when my dad passed away. He was 10 years older than she was.

Is it the way you look? The way you feel? The proliferation of medical issues associated with old age? I don’t feel old, and I don’t look my age, but I’m in the senior citizen age bracket. That’s so depressing.

324th mass shooting in US in 2025 (09/28/25)

How can mass shootings be normalized? They can’t. They should not be a part of everyday life. 

No one should have to live in fear that someone holds a grudge for any reason and decides to carry out mass murders to avenge some sort of injustice on possibly total strangers. Maybe there was a specific target, but usually the victims belong to some imaginary group that in their delusional mind should be eliminated.

USPS PO Boxes

How old is this design? They are definitely sturdy, and it looks like they’re been around for a long time. The locks are really weird, but I suppose they’re really hard to pick.

I’m Scared, and I Want to Cry

 

I am a US citizen, I have lived in the US for 45 years, and I have no criminal record, but the news on ICE raids downtown scares me. Anyone can be snatched off the streets and deported without due process. If you fit the “racial” profile, you’re fair game for being detained. Is this what our country has become?

“The Department of Homeland Security posted to social media, saying, in part, ‘DHS under @Sec_Noem, will NOT back down. We will not rest until every violent terrorist, thug is arrested... @POTUS Trump and @Sec_Noem will return LAW AND ORDER to our streets.’”

But, they have hardly detained anyone who’s a “violent terrorist” except on trumped up and unsubstantiated accusations!

I’ve started carrying my US passport with me when I go out, but will it protect me? Are there certain neighborhoods I should avoid because of ICE activities? But downtown, River North, Gold Coast, Logan Square, South Shore? Where else? It scares me that our government is declaring war on its own people. The government is supposed to protect us, not terrorize us 😭🤬.

A friend had been “pestering” me to go on an international trip with them. I’d love to, but I’m paranoid of going through customs when coming back to the US. I’m probably just paranoid, but it’s definitely not a good feeling.

International Travel

 

I’ve had the privilege of having visited a lot of different countries. My first international trip was when I was 8 to Malaysia and Singapore (also my first time on a plane). My last international trip was to Ireland (Dublin, specifically). Most of my trips had been to Europe and Asia. I went to Mexico (Cancun) once, but it was not exactly by choice (I was attending a destination wedding).

My most memorable trip was to Eastern Europe the year the Berlin Wall came down and before the dismantling of the Soviet Union. Unfortunately, I do not have any photographs. Those were the days before cell phones (and I think a couple of reels did not develop). I remember watching the Berlin Wall come down on TV; it was very emotional.

You can see pictures of my trips starting in 2005 in my travel blogs in the sidebar.

I’m Technically Blind

I can’t see much without my glasses or contacts. I can’t read without my glasses as my (very strong) prescription is for correcting my nearsightedness. If I’m wearing my glasses, I have to remove my glasses to read. I can drive with my glasses on, but I prefer not to. With my actual prescription for my contacts, I have to wear reading glasses, which I don’t like to, either.

Years ago, my optometrist suggested trying mono-vision, i.e., one eye for distance and one for reading. OMG. I can see and I can read. The only problem was, when I went to renew my driver’s license, I couldn’t see distance out of one eye because my contact was for reading! Fortunately, I was able to guess and the staff was very understanding. WHEW!

I was diagnosed for nearsightedness when I was 10. No one realized, until I got a D for a writing exam in school when I misread what was on the blackboard! I saw “A Dog At The Beach.” I got a D because it was still a good essay, but the exam was for “A Day At The Beach.” Maybe the teacher should have also announced/read out loud the title/topic of the essay?

I still remember it (I was 10!) because of how devastating it was to get a D :-(, but that was the beginning of glasses. Without them, I’m blind!

At one point, I had three pairs of glasses: one was the original from maybe 30-40 years ago, one for keeping in my suitcase for travels, and another was an additional spare, all from the same prescription. One frame broke (I really liked it), then I managed to drop the original, and one lens broke. So now I only have one pair of glasses. I’m surprised my prescription hasn’t changed after all these years!

My Last, Last Supper (maybe)?

SAKE FLIGHT 301 

(KOKURYU “Nine Headed Dragon”, SOHOMARE “Karakuchi”, DEWAZAKURA “Tenth Degree”)

UNI SHOOTER 

(cucumber, tobiko, shiso)

SASHIMI DEKAI

 (chef’s selection: 18 pieces of assorted sashimi), SERVED WITH MISO SOUP

HONEY, DEW YOU 

(Ki No Bi Green Tea Gin, Honey Dew, Matcha, Yuzu- Honey Tea, Cointreau, Lime)

I used to live here

 

I really liked the studio apartment. It had a tall ceiling with huge windows on two sides and a walk-in closet big enough for a bed (no, I did not sleep in the closet).

I would not have moved if they hadn’t changed management. The new staff weren’t as nice.

This is where I live now. 

It was a condo building, and my landlord wanted me to buy it from him. At the time I had no wish to own. It was sold after a few years and he got bought out. It has changed management and probably owners several times since. I missed my chance :-(

I live on the top floor, and it is the only wing with windows on three sides. It is smaller than the previous apartment, but it is one-bedroom, and it has windows on three sides.